Relationship Week: Ally

The worst advice: (for me) "Never go to bed angry."

That's what people say. And maybe it works for some people. But I have noticed when I am tired my ability to be sane is really diminished. And by that I mean, I'm compltely insane. And the more tired I get, the more I lose touch with reality. Things feel like the end of the world, emotions are harder to control, and I find myself going in circles. So for me, sometimes it is best to go to sleep instead of continuing to try and fix the problem. I probably wouldn't recommend going to bed super enraged, but a little miffed or even sad is okay for me because I wake up the next day with a new, sane approach. I am able to realize which things are a big deal and which aren't. So sometimes I think it is best to say, "Hey, let's talk about this tomorrow before work when I'm not as tired." No harm done, and probably a lot of harm avoided.

Some good advice: "Accept repair attempts."

I read this in John Gottman's book "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" which is an awesome book. I highly recommend it. Dr. Gottman is one of the country's foremost relationship experts. He can predict, with 91% accuracy, whether a couple will stay married or get divorced simply off observing a 5 minute conversation! Crazy stuff. And he has pinpointed the warning signs in a relationship.


One of the things that has stuck with me was what he said about "repair attempts". A repair attempt is this: let's say you are having an argument with your husband and you are telling him something in a very serious tone and your husband makes a lame joke. How you react to this is going to be a big indication of the state of your relationship. You can choose to be offended that he's not taking things seriously and yell at him that it's no time to make jokes. Or you can see his joke as his (somewhat misguided, feeble) attempt at lightening the mood. He is trying to extend an olive branch, in his own way. The best thing you can do in a situation like this, is laugh at the joke. Or at least smile at him. He is looking for a break in the tension. He is looking for your reassurance. If you can manage to smile in response to his repair attempt, the message you send is that you love him and the problem is not the end of the world. Then, you can say, "But you understand what I'm saying, right?" to get back to the issue. But that moment of release can do huge amounts of good for your relationship.

Repair attempts come in all forms: Jokes, compliments, hugs, apologies. The main thing is, even if you are caught up in an argument, do you love your partner enough to realize that when he tries to give you a hug or tell you you're pretty, he is not just trying to weasle his way out of trouble. Never refuse him because you are angry. He is just trying to take a quick break, to show you that he cares. In his sometimes awkward manly way. Also, you can make repair attempts yourself. For example:

"I’m sorry."
"Go on."
"I love you."
"I understand how you feel."
"O.K. Maybe you’re right. Can we compromise?"
Humor
Affection
Compliments

These things can really ease the tension during an argument. So try them out, and if your husband tries them, don't shoot him down. Accept it for what it is, an attempt to make things better.

So much easier said than done, huh?

(PS repair attempts are applicable in all relationships, not just marriages. I especially thought of family relationships)